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The Normal Life

April 25, 2013

I often wonder what it would be like to lead a normal life, with a solid career, family and friends, children and a wife. Maybe I would have been happier to some extent. But would I have learned the things I have done by following a tougher life course? Still, as much as I may rationalise it, I still at times do envy the balanced life of such people.

It is not an easy or desirable route through life to follow, to isolate yourself from all people, to have long spells of loneliness and despair. A normal person can perform certain decisions and actions at the drop of a hat. Provide a bit of encouragement here, persuade a person there, break tension with some humour, show affection, act serious and authoritative. The normal person walks through this matrix of behavioral styles, nearly always chooses the right one and does it effortlessly. For me a conscious effort is required. I simply didn’t pick up these behavioral procedures and practices at a younger age, because this was the time when I isolated myself from all other people.

The strain and effort is enormous. Though as a result I do often see things from a very unique perspective. The problem is this only reinforces my distance from other people. I like to think the people I do interact with in my limited way do know that I do care, and I am trying my best. But I really don’t do a very good job of showing it. Affection is something I have no experience of showing. Affection has to come from your whole body, not just your head or mind. Maybe I could learn through practice, given the right opportunities.

On the whole I am happy with what I am doing, trying to lead the life that comes naturally to me, even if it may not be the normal life by most peoples standards. Many missed chances to show affection I do regret, but I have still had my good moments, and would do better to focus on them. The matrix of life is so complex. Day to day interactions, human relationships, showing appropriate emotion/behavior. It all scares me for the most part, leaves me in awe, like staring into the open ocean. It is a wondrous thing. But I think I will keep my feet dry and stay on the shore. 


From → Writing

  1. Linda permalink

    I think you are a very strong man who has chosen,if that is the proper term to use,a very hard road to travel,but by choosing this road it has made you so much stronger and I admire that strength in you.I think of you as a great friend who is caring and understanding and has a wonderful sense of humor.You make me laugh and that is a wonderful gift.I hope the road ahead leads you to something wonderful.You deserve so much in life.

    • Thank you Linda, that means a lot to me. It was a conversation we had that inspired this post about, as you say, following a tough road in life compared to the normal way.

  2. Allow me to share something rather appropriate from the “About Me” page of my site: Occasional feelings of acute loneliness and even despair seem to be, more often than not, simply the price one pays for being aware of the cold, hard facts of life. I believe it is the main task of philosophy to reconcile ourselves to these facts, to make them digestible to us, so to speak. A well-developed sense of humor is also of considerable help. In the moment of any true insight into the human condition, we connect to our essence and become, as Nietzsche expressed it, what we already are. We arrive home. Philosophy then, is nothing but the longing to get home.

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