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Sex, Violence and Relationships

November 5, 2013

In my childhood, I regret to say I saw little of the supposedly loving side of sexual activity and thoughts. I saw only violence. Violence between my parents who had come to hate each other in their suppression of their own selves as a result of staying together, they believed, purely for the sake of their children. Violence of my brother struggling through puberty, and with how to express all his rising sexual urges.

Then there was me, yet to acquire these sexual urges at this time, simply horrified by the effect of it all.

This suppression of sexual identity leading to violence is probably one of the most common tragedies of human existence. But would we be better off just succumbing always to sexual urges? Cheating on partners, breaking up families? 

I find this highly unlikely.

So it seems there is a thin line between a healthy sublimation of sexual urges for the sake of living a meaningful and worthwhile life, not always distracted by passing urges and whims, and an unhealthy suppression of sexual urges, where sexual identity is compromised so much that expression can only be found through lashing out with violent acts.

I wish I had seen the better side of sexuality more in my youth, the healthy expression of it through love, caring and closeness. But this was not to be. I find myself as a result still struggling not to be ashamed and anxious at any sexual urge, happier to release it straight away, rather than sublimate it into some feeling of caring and love for another. These latter always, as a result, strike me as being fake and put on, purely for the sake of a hidden sexual gratification that deep inside all it wants is to commit violent acts on others.

Any relationship entails some level of sublimation of sexual urges, it is probably near enough a definition of a relationship. I refuse to take even the first step here. As I am sure it will result in failure and end up in a suppression of self, leading to violence.

I can’t fail at a relationship, as I refuse to even try. I do see the odd healthy-looking relationship out there, but for the most part I see relationships that confirm what I want to believe about it all.

This is my own mini-tragedy of existence, you could say, within the greater tragedy of human existence.

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