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Connecting with Others

November 24, 2013

This has always been an area of difficulty for me. I do not let people get too close to me, and for good reason as I have recently discovered. My emotional awareness at these times is not good at all. I am unaware often when others like me, so I don’t provide the support they would like. I would be happy to provide it, but my awareness of when to do this, and when not to, is poor. Similarly I am often unaware when I like other people, so I let chances to get closer to them slip me by. Then maybe some weeks later it will suddenly dawn on me what all that emotional turmoil going through my mind weeks ago was.

It is quite curious how poor my emotional intelligence can be at these times, and I often do wonder what the reason for it is. All I know is the outcome for my  life. That I avoid closeness with others. Am very introspective, and enjoy activities I can engage in on my own with minimal attachment to others required. I do like these things, so I do not want massive change, though it would be good to some day improve my emotional intelligence a bit in these key areas of relationships with other people.

The problem is I am very often fueled by anger, I am attached to it, it is like a martyrdom of a kind. I don’t want to be soft, so much good has come from my hard, focused approach to life. It is easy to suggest that I let anger go about the past, but it has become a key part of my identity, of what makes me unique. The difficulty is I can’t see how to reconcile this internal motivation I have with developing more positive emotions and feelings about other people. It is not that I think bad of others, it is that I like to keep people at a distance while I am focused in on what I want to achieve.

I don’t think there is an easy answer. I don’t think life is so simple as finding harmony and balance and peace. I think we all have limits and boundaries around our own identity and sense of self, and we have to find ways to reach compromises with others, and these conditional agreements can sometimes breakdown. Where is the line between attachment to things, and attachment to false self, and attachment to true self? I am not sure the true self can be defined in general terms, such as love, peace, etc.. I think there is something specific about it also, defined by our unique course through life, that we defend more fiercely than anything else.

Can I express this true self, and be reconciled in close emotional relationships to others? This is the question, the problem, the challenge I face. Up to now the answer has been no, but who knows what the future may bring. There are always different people, different times and different approaches to try out. Maybe I should be more open to the idea that other people can be malleable to some extent, and need not be fixed in their outlook. Just as I can be also. I can’t change what I am, but I can change how I view the world.

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