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Learning to Live with Uncertainty

October 30, 2016

I have probably been going through one of the toughest experiences in my life the past few weeks. My emotions have been up and down from one extreme to the other, from one day to the next, and sometimes multiple times within one day. The nights have been extremely tough, being left alone with my own thoughts and my own being. It brings to my awareness just how much negativity I feel about myself, and how inadequate I perceive myself to be, and how incapable of doing simple things I feel at times.

A few weeks ago I either fell, or convinced myself, I had fell in love. I only felt comfortable when either around or with the near future prospect of being around this person. Whenever I wasn’t I felt all my inadequacies and low self esteem come bubbling up to the surface. The negative thoughts invaded my mind. What if the last thing I said to her caused offence in some way? What if in the time we are not around each other, she finds someone else and I miss my chance? These worries constantly pressed on my mind, so I felt pressured to keep contacting, to keep in touch, and show her I want to be there for her.

But I pushed too much and too soon. There was something potentially real there, but it needed time to grow and be nurtured. Instead of watering that plant in small amounts regularly, I flooded it and spoiled it. This realisation has come to me very hard, I have spent some time in denial, I have spent some time angry, I have spent some time trying to bargain, and find some way for things to be back as they were. But certain things cannot be erased and taken back. The arrow of time does not have a reverse gear. There can be no chance for me to start afresh having learned from my mistakes, at least not with this girl.

It pains me so much to have to admit this, for it has all happened so quickly. In the space of a few days, from having an uncertain but exciting prospect, thanks to my inability to accept and live with the uncertainty, and thanks to my desperate need to control the things happening in my life, I have managed to completely spoil it. I have put her in a position of having to forcefully eject me out of her life by blocking me online, and I have put myself in a position of dejection and despair.

On top of it all I came down with a nasty cold, as if karma was also keen to punish me for my incorrect actions. I don’t really know what conclusions I can draw from this experience. I still know that if a situation of uncertainty and excitement like that pops up again in my future, I am going to have the same tendency and inclination to try and control it too much. I don’t want to resign myself to being alone, this has been my reaction to similar occurrences in the past. And has then left me living an unhappy solitary existence for a few years before realising I actually don’t want to be alone after all.

So what to do? I want something positive to come from this experience. I owe it to how real the experience was to me, and I owe it to myself, to not get cynical and look for some justification for not trying or caring anymore about others. I have taken this path too many times, and I really would like to tread some new and different ground instead. I don’t want to reduce it to some biological, physiological or psychological set of needs I was following or playing out. It is easy after the fact, when something is dead, to do an autopsy, but you never in this process capture the living thing as it lived. The living thing was real and in some way transcended all these rationalisations and posthumous justifications.

I am not looking for consolation, I am not looking to make excuses, I am not looking for someone to blame. I have been through all that, I want to move past it, I want to have the courage to try and find something real again.

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