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Learning to be Thankful

November 30, 2016

Always taking for granted the gifts and goodwill that come my way. Unappreciative of the kind gestures and kind words that others say. I must learn to change this trend, before I come to an untimely end. I must remember the things I have going for me, and not always be looking for the next thing to which to flee.

I am in good physical health, I am provided with an education and intelligence that most would love to have had the opportunity to have. I am quick to understand things and rarely make assumptions or prejudgments about people that I meet. I give each their chance to present themselves as they are. Yes I struggle to maintain relationships, I struggle with any closeness, and I often get a desire to run from  or sabotage situations in my life where these things develop. This is my downside, but one for which I should not be too hard on myself.

For all the intellectual and academic education I have received from others and given myself, I have not had someone to educate me and show me the way in basic practical life lessons, of how to approach others, how to relate and be friendly to others, and how to cope with others when they present emotions to me. This is not some thing I should judge myself for, as falling short of some ideal, it is something where I just have to accept this is a part of what I currently am. This is where I am at, and I cannot jump to some different stage in life, I can only deal with my current situation.

I have a good job to be thankful for currently. This past few months working at the library has been a great honor for me. I guess worries about the future of this role may be playing on my mind, and is why I am struggling right now. But still, it has been great to have this opportunity even if it only lasts a while longer. It has inspired me to get back into reading more regularly, having read much more these past few months, feeling more comfortable to just relax and concentrate on a book. I have also written much more on here and learnt much more about myself these past few months than I had done the past couple of years. I have shown some ability to open up emotionally to others that I had never done before, showing my trust of others has improved.

So there is plenty for me to be thankful for. I really must learn to keep track of this progress and not take it for granted. I do set myself goals sometimes that are simply unrealistic, but rather than recognise this, I just push myself harder and harder to a breaking point. The better idea here is to learn an acceptance of what I am, a forgiveness of myself and others who have led to me being weaker in these areas, and to focus on a more assertive approach in the future. It is no good to get aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive. Nothing will be achieved this way. And it is behavior of these various kinds this past month or so that has given me some problems. I have projected my own weakness on to others, blamed them, as I couldn’t handle facing up to that weakness/vulnerability in myself. All I need to do is acknowledge it when it is there, and then it loses some of its hold on me, and I can begin again the steady process of more realistic self improvement.

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