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What we Deserve

December 29, 2016

When other people let go of controlling things they tend to find happiness, when I let go of control I find myself in Hell. People wonder why I am so self controlled about most things, well this is why. My natural, uncontrolled state is to be trapped in my own private hell, manipulated and messed about by other people and by “karma”, but unable to speak out about it. I am not as lucky as all you people living your “natural” joyful lives. My natural state is pain and torment, shame and disgust. I can control myself to avoid this state for the most part, through meditation, positive thinking, hitting back at the negativity, constant positive and relaxing music, insulating myself from bad influences in the world etc. But it doesn’t change the natural reality fate has decided for me. As an unhappy individual wallowing in torment, alone and with no close ties to other people. Partly by self-choice, partly through self sabotage, partly due to limited options of people I feel I can identify with and care about. This world is a very sick and twisted place, there is no justice for hard work, only for those who feel they should get justice. Only for the narcissists out there best at propping themselves up at others expense. People get what they think they deserve, not what they really deserve. This is illustrated well by my case, I can work and push as hard as I like, deep inside I don’t feel I deserve anything, and so that is what I will get, nothing.

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From → Poetry

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