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Cultural Despair

July 11, 2017

I am struggling today to even describe my experience from yesterday. But the question that keeps going through my mind is, why me? Why am I so uniquely challenged by certain situations. How do I go so quickly from quite content and on a good path, to the verge of a breakdown? Are other people just less sensitive to their surroundings? I don’t see how else many could manage with the affairs of daily life. They must put on blinkers, like a horse, to keep them mellow. But I don’t want to live in such a half baked way. I don’t want to sacrifice my awareness for the sake of money or for the sake of anything or anyone. It means I must suffer for it.

I don’t know if there is anything I can do with my life, any path I can follow that does not head down this same path of self destruction. I feel there is somewhere for me, and I have yet to find it. But it is very difficult for me to trust and take a leap when so often that leap gets me in more trouble than anything else. My sensitive, highly attuned awareness, also seems to mean it takes me longer to get over bad experiences. As I absorb everything from the bad environment. All the bad feeling, all the bad motives. I take it on board, till I reach saturation or explosion point.

I feel the modern western world has us heading down a path of destruction also, all of its own. There is some severe schizophrenia within our culture, a split personality, a rupture beyond repair. A fake show of caring is performed for others that we attach little value to. While secretly we cherish purely our own personal gain. I feel I am the reverse of this often. I perform a fake show of disinterest to others though really I care deeply, while caring little for my own personal gain. Or simply not as much, or as single-mindedly as most people. This schizophrenic split is illustrated by politics, with the fake left-wing show of caring about all, competing with the right wing single-minded self-seeking motivation.

There is no way to reconcile these two, they are poles apart, only further justifying each to go to a further and more irreconcilable extreme. In pursuit of their misguided small-minded vision. Their deeply compartmentalised minds force us all to fit in with their standards, or be rejected as odd. For it takes a strange person to disconcertingly and annoyingly dare to remind us of just how compartmentalised our minds have become. Who dares to try and take us to a higher level of awareness above this game. They prefer the safety of the game they know, that brings home the paycheck. Short-term security trumps any longer term view. And so we must eventually collapse when the ground is taken from below us.

I really would like to break free of this western cultural collapse. It has nothing to offer me. Yet it is still very difficult for me to detach from all its values. There is a lot of risk involved and a lot of uncertainty about the destination. But I think I am one of the few who has at least the chance to pursue this course, for I have little to lose and already as it is don’t gain much from western culture in the short term, not to mention the longer term.

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