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Self Deferred

December 19, 2018

A darkness and a disgust with myself.

Not worthy of anything, not wanting anything.

Nothing worth pursuing, nothing worth doing.

I wait and I watch, powerless as the same game replays itself

the same fate that has declared its twisted judgement on me.

To always crave for something I can never have.

My chance was missed, now I only have lame nostalgia.

Drunken stupidity, sexual debauchery and moral degeneracy.

Escapist fantasies to serve my delusions.

All because of self hate and loneliness.

A self never properly expressed, stunted in its development.

No joy, no connection, only psychological games and manipulation.

No love, only a forever deferred lust.

Delayed gratification taken to its extreme.

Self mortification for a dead past that can’t be revived.

A past that cannot be left behind either.

I am entangled with the dead soul of my youth.

Lost in a riddle I cannot solve.

Searching in vain for those missing puzzle pieces.

It is all just paper over the cracks.

One day to the next, a new kind of verisimilitude.

I reincarnate into a new mask,

to overcome the days tasks.

A battle to survive in my beleaguered fort.

While inside a voice screams, abort, abort!

 

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