Skip to content

Free Spirit

Life has been for me a constant struggle,

in the face of a torrent of negativity

I have held on to a positive ideal.

It is a lonely unrewarding road that I follow.

I may die poor. I may die unfulfilled,

but I will die with a spirit as free as when I was born,

this is what matters most to me.

Advertisements

A Passenger

Can’t let it go, the wrongs that can never be righted

Forever I hold on to a grudge turned benighted.

Whichever way I turn brings up the same stale trash

I am never in the driving seat, so I always crash.

A passenger as my own life inexorably passes me by.

Cold reality crushes the dreams in which I can fly.

 

I see all the tricks and all the sleights of hand,

in which others engage, they think they are clever, to me they are bland.

I see myself reacting with anger and cannot hold back

Fakery and duplicity I won’t give any slack.

A witness to my life seeping away with each agitation,

with each drink to limit my cogitation.

 

 

 

A New World

where are we going, what are we doing

an aimless narrative forever ensuing.

I feel I have seen all there is to provide

from this world in which I reside.

I strive for something new

some different sense of what is true.

Not the same old patterns,

my emotions predictably flattened.

A new horizon, a new vision

to save me from an awful decision

A new vista opened up to me

where I can be true and free.

no constrictions, expectations, roles

just limitless aspirations and goals

 

Cultural Despair

I am struggling today to even describe my experience from yesterday. But the question that keeps going through my mind is, why me? Why am I so uniquely challenged by certain situations. How do I go so quickly from quite content and on a good path, to the verge of a breakdown? Are other people just less sensitive to their surroundings? I don’t see how else many could manage with the affairs of daily life. They must put on blinkers, like a horse, to keep them mellow. But I don’t want to live in such a half baked way. I don’t want to sacrifice my awareness for the sake of money or for the sake of anything or anyone. It means I must suffer for it.

I don’t know if there is anything I can do with my life, any path I can follow that does not head down this same path of self destruction. I feel there is somewhere for me, and I have yet to find it. But it is very difficult for me to trust and take a leap when so often that leap gets me in more trouble than anything else. My sensitive, highly attuned awareness, also seems to mean it takes me longer to get over bad experiences. As I absorb everything from the bad environment. All the bad feeling, all the bad motives. I take it on board, till I reach saturation or explosion point.

I feel the modern western world has us heading down a path of destruction also, all of its own. There is some severe schizophrenia within our culture, a split personality, a rupture beyond repair. A fake show of caring is performed for others that we attach little value to. While secretly we cherish purely our own personal gain. I feel I am the reverse of this often. I perform a fake show of disinterest to others though really I care deeply, while caring little for my own personal gain. Or simply not as much, or as single-mindedly as most people. This schizophrenic split is illustrated by politics, with the fake left-wing show of caring about all, competing with the right wing single-minded self-seeking motivation.

There is no way to reconcile these two, they are poles apart, only further justifying each to go to a further and more irreconcilable extreme. In pursuit of their misguided small-minded vision. Their deeply compartmentalised minds force us all to fit in with their standards, or be rejected as odd. For it takes a strange person to disconcertingly and annoyingly dare to remind us of just how compartmentalised our minds have become. Who dares to try and take us to a higher level of awareness above this game. They prefer the safety of the game they know, that brings home the paycheck. Short-term security trumps any longer term view. And so we must eventually collapse when the ground is taken from below us.

I really would like to break free of this western cultural collapse. It has nothing to offer me. Yet it is still very difficult for me to detach from all its values. There is a lot of risk involved and a lot of uncertainty about the destination. But I think I am one of the few who has at least the chance to pursue this course, for I have little to lose and already as it is don’t gain much from western culture in the short term, not to mention the longer term.

My Obsessive Mind

I can’t shake it, my obsessive mind,

I must analyse something till it is dead,

till there is no life remaining to find,

till the sparkle and the vibrance have fled.

I can’t snap out of it, I can’t break free.

With each effort I dig a deeper hole.

All who I touch, I turn to cold ice,

I must keep my distance, to save me from this vice.

I can’t help myself, my compulsive obsession,

I must control others, and deny my own weakness

I must engage in complete self repression.

no joy, spontaneity, love or sweetness.

I can’t, but I must, I must shake out the bad vibes

the negativity, the self suffocating diatribes.

It is killing me, and all that I touch,

soon there will be nothing left to clutch.

 

 

 

Anti Climax

A part of me is watching on, laughing, not caring

while the rest of me falls in the trap, further ensnaring.

Till I hit an edge, a cliff, a precipice

vertigo overcomes me, falling could be bliss.

Should I fall, or should I gather myself?

I shudder and back away for my own good health.

Into a zone of contrived ratiocinations I go

A trance like state of safe circling thoughts I know.

I assess my worries, and I assess my fears

I decide on what I hold most dear.

 

Then I get some resolve later, and I take the leap

but the moment has gone, the ground has moved too close and cheap.

 

Confirmation Bias

I have been picking up on this phenomenon a lot lately, both in my own views and in the views of others, particularly as portrayed online and on the news channels. When you have an attachment, or obsession, with a particular narrative, you tend to see all events that happen as proof, further evidence of this narrative, and you quietly ignore counter evidence.

It came to my mind, watching the UK news channels today, who are committed to an anti-trump narrative in regards to their obsession with finding Russia connections. They start from this need to find connections with Russia, and from there, absolutely every event that happens becomes only of any interest to them in so far as it is related to this. They don’t stop to think that maybe some political connections with Russia are inevitable as a part of diplomacy. No! It must all be some underhand conspiracy. As this is the narrative they have set out with, and so it is the only thing of interest to them.

So even when, today, Putin says he will himself release information on Trumps meeting records. This somehow, based on their confirmation bias, feeds in to their conspiracy of an underhand connection between Trump and Putin. So if information disproving a conspiracy is itself part of the conspiracy, then anything and everything is part of the conspiracy, and the whole notion of evidence has gone out the window, and it has become a case of a pure obsessive and blind attachment to a narrative that has its own momentum and beliefs, that have no interest in reality anymore.

In past months I have noticed some similar confirmation bias in myself regarding negative interpretations of immigrants, for I was only seeing, only interested, in the stories that fed into my narrative I was then attached to, of them as coming over to do bad things. I have overcome this to a large extent now, and see that the reality is much more complicated, though I do still place myself on the political right, partly based on my values as being quite traditionally minded and conservative, but more mainly based on the political left having failed this country and its people over the past 20 years from my perspective, for the sake of delusional and impractical “progressive” ideologies.

It is interesting to see in the coming UK general election how many people will actually be open to a change in who they will vote for, as I feel that most people are already fully armed with their own narratives and confirmation bias, and will simply interpret everything in line with this, regardless how politicians try to sway them over the coming weeks, and regardless how the media tries to enforce its own narrative and confirmation bias upon them. I find myself in a position where I will likely vote for the conservatives, even though my particular area is a safe conservative seat anyway. But it will be more as a criticism of the current left parties than a positive attachment to the conservatives.

I have seen the left already getting to work trying to control narratives on social media, with fake moralising and virtue signalling. On the TV media I do not see such a bias, to be fair on this issue, if anything, for some reason there is a conservative bias on there. Maybe based purely on the polls, they feel compelled to speak in line with them. But still, even without much bias there, I find little convincing coming from politicians on the left. It seems the usual case of wanting to appear to help everyone basically, but we know this is simply unrealistic. Also, it is the old appeal to more public spending, the usual fallacy of thinking pumping money into something will magically make it better, regardless of all other factors that motivate a nation, such as beliefs, values, ideas, hopes and prospects.

I just do not buy that they will be able to fund it all, and I do not buy that they even want, or have the motivation to do these things once in power, they are just saying them as they think its what people want to hear. The renationalisation idea talked about today by Labour and Corbyn, holds some interest to me, I may look into this more. But for the most part the fact that it comes with vague notions such as “fair” immigration, where this could mean letting in what? Millions and millions of refugees/economic migrants. What about fair immigration for the current British people, and for current British values? This does not seem to come into consideration for progressive ideologues.

In summary, I don’t think they are being assertive enough about where they stand, they are just trying to shadow public feeling. Asserting not their own values with integrity, but what they think ought to be good values in a vague, slightly superficial way, that will most likely not be backed up with action once in power. Maybe this is all just my own confirmation bias. I am sure it largely is, but I feel I am making some genuine attempts to consider what is best for Britain for the coming years, not just what fits in line with my personal ideological beliefs.