letting it all go: attachment, feelings, hopes
its the only way I can deal and cope
Let down, failed, too many times
by others more interested in crime
than in good honest ideas and thoughts
such things rarely looked for and sought.
Cheap thrills and gimmicks I do not provide
that much with you I will confide.
I am intense, one-minded, focused
this, of my concern, is the locus.
Get on board or leave me be
I would rather be properly lonely,
than watching on from the stands
as others cop a feel with pilfering hands
Slowly wandering deeper into the recesses of my burning soul
looking for that trigger, that fire, the glowing coal
At the core of my being it lies waiting
its movements and actions I am anticipating
Trying to keep on top of the raging feelings
and the fleeting thoughts through my mind stealing.
I must defy my own mental constraints and controls
I must show restraint and face them till they dissolve.
Till all that is left is what is real
the present situation with which I must deal.
The games the filth of this earth play
disgust me and make my heart decay
Why bother, why be kind
to those who are dumb and blind.
Why put your heart out there
to be stamped upon by those who don’t care.
The same old crap,
the same old trap.
The same righteous anger
the same revenge on my mind
an unquenchable first for death
to me or to those who I judge blind.
To function on this level is the most painful
I feel the pain of all the emotions without understanding often where they come from
I am rationally distant while being emotionally too present
Emotionally sensitive to any disrespect of me
but emotionally insensitive to mine and others well-being concerns.
I am in the clouds mentally, but I get struck by lightning every now and then emotionally.
No way to comprehend what has hit me,
only made more repulsed by similar emotions next time
Till no emotions are left to me, just a disinterested exterior,
hiding inside a repressed emotional turmoil.
With no outlet, no means of expression,
other than a blank, arbitrary anger, followed by depression.
I am facing a wall, a wall of hate
my own or others, I can’t tell to rate.
But it cannot be overcome, for I will never give way
till the whole wall is crumbled in one instant decay.
I will hold my ground on what I know
my awareness is not wrong, and I will show
all those who doubt me and try to distract my vision
this is my ground and my decision.
A space that is mine, free of your bad vibrations,
quiet and peaceful, bad energy deflected away
shrugged off my shield of calming susurrations,
led off permanently astray.
No more reactions to your petty games
your schemes, your habitual ploys,
I am above feeling guilt and shame,
to this defensive ego I will not cloy.
Let go of the burdensome feelings
open up to a world of possibility
let go and begin the process of healing
head towards a ground of fertility.
From this good soil, grow upwards,
not stunted, sideways or airy
facing not down, but forwards,
for nothing on earth is that scary.
Yes, I know too much, I know you all too well,
the predictable behavior that to me is hell
But you want to carry on your predictable course
oblivious to its dumb inertial force
You don’t want to be reminded
by one who is aware.
So I will silently watch , and wait,
my awareness will never abate
one day revenge will be mine,
and for all of you it will be too late.
A state of living death, creeps through my skin
no hope is left, no new yarn to spin
the prospect is bleak, dreary, unrewarding
these last free moments desperately hoarding
knowing the time is almost up, for this dream gone wrong
the music must stop, silence must replace song.
No more to be dancing, I must crawl to my demise
dully staring, not just glancing, at all those I despise.
Getting one last hit out of this absurd scene
Grim, menacing, determined and mean
Defiant even of that which I desire
this life to finally and terminally expire.
Swathes of light sweep over the carpet, I watch them, transfixed, waiting for inspiration. Not sure what I am looking for in those passing glimpses of light and texture. Just waiting for my mind to wake up and find something, anything. It seems I have long been half asleep, drifting along in a dull state of mind. Only reacting to threats, and avoiding taking chances I may later regret. Falling back on what I feel sure of, on what I feel I can control. A reactive being, no creativity, no imagination to offer, just a set of cause and effect responses that I enact with trigger-like speed and precision.
Unable to draw from within, to find some reserves of artistry in there, relying on what the world around me may bring my way. Like these swathes of light, passing me by, while I only watch them, hoping somehow to be transported along into some new understanding, some new way of looking at things. But the light cannot show me what to see, unless I first stop telling myself what to see. I must not filter out all that doesn’t fit my presumptions, I must get a grip on the filter and detach from some of its tendencies. Its habits and expectations, that have made my experience grow ever more stale and predictable.
Things only justify what I had been thinking all along, as all else I refuse to see or be open to the possibility of. The swathes of light unveil nothing new, for I have already decided what lies there before the light sweeps over it. I must break this pattern, this stolidity of thought. But to do this I must let go of some of my usual emotional reactions. Imagination cannot get to grips with a thing, when emotional responses rush to their own conclusions. The chain of cause and effect, the habits of mind, must be broken, much more freedom is hereby found than in any overt political act or posturing behavior. In this simple, quiet, static action, I can take some control.