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A Gleaming

Striving to find a happiness within

A joyfulness anteceding all sin.

Warding off the dark clouds gathering in my mind,

a patch of brightness I endeavor to find.

A gleaming, a spark, a reason to love.

A self acceptance that fits close like a glove.

A warmth, a concern, a care for what I am

A free flowing river, not a blocked up dam,

emotional expression of my buoyant inner being

humble acknowledgment of my limits, never fleeing.

No need to escape, let the world support my weight

no more controlling and filling up with self-hate.

Ease back into the embrace of mother earth.

Filled with tears or with joy, never a mere dirth.

A fullness, a wholeness, without end.

A closeness on which I can depend.

Blundering through Life

Tired and unsure, what I am to do

blundering my way, this life through

wishing that I could better understand

what makes people sad, and what makes them feel grand.

I only know that it seems to change all the time

without thought, without reason, and often without rhyme

So where to build a foundation on moving ground?

Errors and failures will surely spread and abound.

There is no solution, no sadness cure

whether you are rich, or whether you are poor.

We are all at the mercy of forces beyond our ken

chance, or destiny, not the workings of men.

So embrace this flux don’t turn a blind eye

for it will creep up on us till the day we die.

no more refuge in a shallow, fleeting security

purge my mind of its controlling impurities.

Leave me free, leave me open to worlds without end

don’t in my own souls darkness, withdraw and descend.

A Tenuous Grip

Maintaining only a tenuous grip

I try my best not to slip

the mind/the world, I don’t know what is real

what is permanent, and what with time, can heal.

Lost in my own thoughts and dreams,

where all is as I want it to seem.

Till now and again reality intrudes

like a blot on the landscape I drew.

Takes me aback, spins me around

dizzies my perception, sinks me to the ground.

Tentatively I regain my feet,

weary of the pain I may greet.

Taking small steps, I hope not to stumble

I hope that my world will not crumble

but there can be no guarantee

no assurance can come my way

for in my loveless reality

this is just one more dark and lonely day.



Extracted Soul

Trying not to hate myself, to find some positive in my blackened soul

some source of inner wealth, among the dark cavernous holes

Why am I repulsed by natural feelings and emotions

always turning to perverse, self-denying devotions?

Always cutting myself out of natural human needs

that others indulge in, ravenously with greed.

Why put myself on a pedestal

why take this vacant higher ground

the view is cold and dull

and of beauty there is no sight nor sound.

Fears, worries, it takes my whole being just to face

leaving me a nervous wreck, a jibbering disgrace.

Round this circle I go, finding some sinister satisfaction

a failure that I plan myself

a sabotage of my own good health

my demons take over, completing my soul’s extraction.


On the Wrong Side

A pervasive sense of self disgust,

bloated ideals I no longer trust.

Obsessive thoughts, but no vision

an inability to make effective decisions.

Failure to execute, to be confident and assured

Instead only disrepute and optimism floored.

Trying sometimes simply isn’t enough,

better to just act and throw a bluff.

Or maybe sometimes trying is too much,

it shows a desperation to clutch,

whichever it is, whatever it be

I remain on the wrong side, with endless misery



The Lofty Peaks

Up on the lofty peaks of loneliness

I call out my signal of distress.

I can only resist the temptation so long

to plummet down deep into the throng.

The thin air up here makes me weak,

it is hard to breathe, let alone speak.

I know what awaits me down there

Internal emptiness and vacuous stares

But my spirit is not yet free to fly

My body weighs me down each time I try.

From the thicker air I can rejuvenate,

down in the depths, where the crowds congregate.

But I must show resolve, continue to resist

Keep steady and strong, with tightly clenched fists.

Call out on high, believing one day I will find,

maybe not ability to fly, but a kindred spirit of mind.

Easily swayed

Fear and guilt weigh me down

an increasing pressure squashing me to the ground

A happy feeling and sense of contentment

So strange to me: used to misery and resentment.

Waiting for the bubble to burst

for my life to be once more cursed.

Waiting for an excuse to fail

Any little sign, the tiniest detail

Then out of that molehill to build a mountain

so the anger and rage can flow freely like a fountain.

This is my generally accepted state

My more usual way of being

This is what I see as my fate

Always on edge, from goodness fleeing

Just as much as from badness

this is my interminable sadness.

The reason why I sit precariously here

writing this poem of woe and fear

Darkness engulfing, suffocating me from all sides

No nook or cranny in which to hide

On a thin precipice with a fall either way

I am perched, by the slightest wind to be swayed.

For once it would be nice to not be afraid

to be happy to find a place to rest and stay

Wait out the dark and the turbulence

with a new found strength and resilience.