Striving to find a happiness within
A joyfulness anteceding all sin.
Warding off the dark clouds gathering in my mind,
a patch of brightness I endeavor to find.
A gleaming, a spark, a reason to love.
A self acceptance that fits close like a glove.
A warmth, a concern, a care for what I am
A free flowing river, not a blocked up dam,
emotional expression of my buoyant inner being
humble acknowledgment of my limits, never fleeing.
No need to escape, let the world support my weight
no more controlling and filling up with self-hate.
Ease back into the embrace of mother earth.
Filled with tears or with joy, never a mere dirth.
A fullness, a wholeness, without end.
A closeness on which I can depend.
Tired and unsure, what I am to do
blundering my way, this life through
wishing that I could better understand
what makes people sad, and what makes them feel grand.
I only know that it seems to change all the time
without thought, without reason, and often without rhyme
So where to build a foundation on moving ground?
Errors and failures will surely spread and abound.
There is no solution, no sadness cure
whether you are rich, or whether you are poor.
We are all at the mercy of forces beyond our ken
chance, or destiny, not the workings of men.
So embrace this flux don’t turn a blind eye
for it will creep up on us till the day we die.
no more refuge in a shallow, fleeting security
purge my mind of its controlling impurities.
Leave me free, leave me open to worlds without end
don’t in my own souls darkness, withdraw and descend.
Maintaining only a tenuous grip
I try my best not to slip
the mind/the world, I don’t know what is real
what is permanent, and what with time, can heal.
Lost in my own thoughts and dreams,
where all is as I want it to seem.
Till now and again reality intrudes
like a blot on the landscape I drew.
Takes me aback, spins me around
dizzies my perception, sinks me to the ground.
Tentatively I regain my feet,
weary of the pain I may greet.
Taking small steps, I hope not to stumble
I hope that my world will not crumble
but there can be no guarantee
no assurance can come my way
for in my loveless reality
this is just one more dark and lonely day.
Trying not to hate myself, to find some positive in my blackened soul
some source of inner wealth, among the dark cavernous holes
Why am I repulsed by natural feelings and emotions
always turning to perverse, self-denying devotions?
Always cutting myself out of natural human needs
that others indulge in, ravenously with greed.
Why put myself on a pedestal
why take this vacant higher ground
the view is cold and dull
and of beauty there is no sight nor sound.
Fears, worries, it takes my whole being just to face
leaving me a nervous wreck, a jibbering disgrace.
Round this circle I go, finding some sinister satisfaction
a failure that I plan myself
a sabotage of my own good health
my demons take over, completing my soul’s extraction.
A pervasive sense of self disgust,
bloated ideals I no longer trust.
Obsessive thoughts, but no vision
an inability to make effective decisions.
Failure to execute, to be confident and assured
Instead only disrepute and optimism floored.
Trying sometimes simply isn’t enough,
better to just act and throw a bluff.
Or maybe sometimes trying is too much,
it shows a desperation to clutch,
whichever it is, whatever it be
I remain on the wrong side, with endless misery
Up on the lofty peaks of loneliness
I call out my signal of distress.
I can only resist the temptation so long
to plummet down deep into the throng.
The thin air up here makes me weak,
it is hard to breathe, let alone speak.
I know what awaits me down there
Internal emptiness and vacuous stares
But my spirit is not yet free to fly
My body weighs me down each time I try.
From the thicker air I can rejuvenate,
down in the depths, where the crowds congregate.
But I must show resolve, continue to resist
Keep steady and strong, with tightly clenched fists.
Call out on high, believing one day I will find,
maybe not ability to fly, but a kindred spirit of mind.
Fear and guilt weigh me down
an increasing pressure squashing me to the ground
A happy feeling and sense of contentment
So strange to me: used to misery and resentment.
Waiting for the bubble to burst
for my life to be once more cursed.
Waiting for an excuse to fail
Any little sign, the tiniest detail
Then out of that molehill to build a mountain
so the anger and rage can flow freely like a fountain.
This is my generally accepted state
My more usual way of being
This is what I see as my fate
Always on edge, from goodness fleeing
Just as much as from badness
this is my interminable sadness.
The reason why I sit precariously here
writing this poem of woe and fear
Darkness engulfing, suffocating me from all sides
No nook or cranny in which to hide
On a thin precipice with a fall either way
I am perched, by the slightest wind to be swayed.
For once it would be nice to not be afraid
to be happy to find a place to rest and stay
Wait out the dark and the turbulence
with a new found strength and resilience.